Blogs
Apr 2, 2025
Dating and Relationships in Early Recovery
By Greg F.
A common question asked in early recovery –– less than one year of continuous sobriety –– is “How do I handle dating?” It’s a good question since some people do find lasting partnerships in recovery.
The AA Big Book, which is the main text of Alcoholics Anonymous, does not explicitly say whether or not you should be dating in early recovery. But if we think of dating within the context of what is said in the 12 and 12, it might look a little clearer.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, also known as the 12 and 12, is the compendium to the AA Big Book. Similarly, It Works:How and Why is the Narcotics Anonymous compendium.
Step Four in both programs is: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” Making a moral inventory requires some work. It is considered a big step in recovery not only because it takes work, but also because there are importantthings to be learned.
It may be painful to look within yourself for resentments that have been “living rent–free” in your head for a long time, to relive those moments. But the reward is priceless: forgiveness of others and of oneself. My personal resentment list was almost 150 items! In the end, though, I learned the truth.
In order to look at the resentments that we’ve been harboring during active addiction, we will need to see that our instincts have been threatened in each of these painful memories.
All human beings have three basic instincts: Security Instincts, Social Instincts, and Sexual Instincts. Our security instincts are material (food, water, shelter, ambition) and emotional (internal boundaries).
Our social instincts are about how we see ourselves (pride, self-esteem, personal relationships, ambition), or how others see us (companionship, prestige, ambition). Lastly, our sexual instincts have to do with sex (acceptable by society, hidden, or ambitions).
So, how does this relate to dating? If we are in early recovery and do not know that we have these instincts (I did not know about my basic instincts until I learned about them in AA), wewill likely repeat our poor dating behaviors. We will bring old resentments (baggage) into new dating relationships formed in early recovery.
And, likely, that won’t yield good results. My early recovery was flimsy. There was very little foundation and understanding.My picker was broken.
The real danger of dating in early recovery is that dating could potentially jeopardize our sobriety. It could push us back to using if we’re not careful, which could even result in deadly consequences.
A friend having over two decades of continuous sobriety put it to me like this. He asked: “What happens when you put two babies in a playpen together and leave them unattended for a while? They get s*** all over the place.”
I waited nearly 11 months before I began dating again in recovery. That was advised by a sponsor who guided me through the steps first. Looking back, I really needed that time to get my own affairs in order (financially and emotionally) and to work on loving myself.
After I went through the steps, I started dating here and there for the next seven months. Then, I found my future wife unexpectedly one day at a meeting. She shared something that I directly related to, and I had the thought to speak to her after the meeting. That meeting was over six years ago. We’ve been happily married for over four years now.
If you’re worried about a year or just a few months with no dating, I promise you that the time flies by. I used my alone timeto learn some cooking skills, pay bills, read books, catch up on TV shows, and hang out with new recovery friends. I remember it quite fondly as a very peaceful year of my life, if not one of the best.
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Greg F. recently celebrated eight years free from drugs and alcohol. He has contributed to The Grove social media accounts in the past and served as a writing intern for The Grove in the fall of 2024, working toward a master’s degree in English from Southeastern Louisiana University. He is the author of two self-published books and a big fan of Gretsch Guitars.
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